The 40-Day Memorial Service (Parastas): Traditions, What to Prepare and Full Calendar

Traditions and customs 10 min read Kinmory Team
The 40-day memorial service — Romanian Orthodox traditions

Contents

Introduction

We understand that you are going through a difficult time, and organising the 40-day memorial service (parastas) can bring both comfort and apprehension to the heart — especially if this is the first time you are preparing such a ceremony. This moment marks one of the most important spiritual milestones for the person who has passed away, and your wish to do things properly reflects the love and respect you carry for them.

In this guide, we offer you everything you need to know about the 40-day parastas: from its profound significance in Romanian Orthodox tradition, to the practical list of things to prepare, the traditional menu for the memorial meal, what is given for the repose of the departed soul, and the complete calendar of all memorial services — from 3 days to 7 years.

We have written this article for families who wish to honour tradition but need a clear and comprehensive guide. Whether you follow Orthodox customs closely or adapt the traditions to your own circumstances, you will find useful information here. The prices and customs mentioned are current for 2026 and reflect practices in Romania.

You are not alone on this path. Thousands of families go through the same experience and find in the parastas a moment of communion, remembrance and inner peace.

What the 40 days after death mean in Orthodox tradition

The 40-day parastas is the most important memorial service after the funeral in Romanian Orthodox tradition. It is believed that on the 40th day the soul appears before God for the particular judgement, and the prayers of those left behind can help the soul on this spiritual journey. This is why the family organises the memorial service and the commemorative meal.

The spiritual meaning — the journey of the soul

According to Orthodox teaching, the soul passes through several stages after death. During the first three days, the soul remains near the body and the places it held dear. From the 3rd to the 9th day, the soul is shown paradise. From the 9th to the 40th day, the soul passes through the "toll houses of the air" — a series of spiritual trials. On the 40th day, the soul appears before God.

This pattern of 40 days appears frequently in Scripture: the Lord Jesus Christ ascended to heaven 40 days after the Resurrection, Moses spent 40 days on Mount Sinai, and Noah's flood lasted 40 days and 40 nights. The number 40 symbolises a complete cycle of transformation and passage.

Through the prayers of the parastas, the family and the community ask God for the forgiveness of the departed's sins and the repose of the soul "in a place of light, a place of green pasture, a place of rest, from where all pain, sorrow and sighing have fled" — as the litany for the departed says.

How to count the 40 days

An aspect that often causes confusion is counting the 40 days. The rule is simple: the day of death is considered day 1, regardless of the hour at which death occurred. All consecutive calendar days are then counted.

For example, if death occurred on 1 March, the 40-day parastas falls on 9 April.

Important: if the 40th day falls during Holy Week (before Easter), during the first three days of Easter or during another period when memorial services are not held, the parastas is moved. It is usually brought forward — to the preceding Saturday or Sunday. Always discuss the correct date with your parish priest.

How to organise the 40-day parastas

Organising the 40-day parastas involves three main components: the religious service at the church, the visit to the cemetery and the memorial meal. Preparations begin at least one week in advance — contact the priest, draw up the guest list and plan the menu. Each family adapts the scale according to their means.

The church service — what to prepare

The first step is to contact the parish priest at least 5-7 days in advance to agree on the date and time of the service. For the church, you will need to bring:

  • Coliva — made from boiled wheat, sugar and walnuts, decorated with a cross made of icing sugar
  • Colaci — usually 1-3 round loaves of white bread
  • Red wine — one bottle for the liturgy
  • Candles — a packet of wax candles
  • Pomelnic — the list of names of those you wish to have commemorated (write them legibly, using baptismal names)
  • Lamp oil — optional, for the church vigil lamps

The parastas service usually lasts 20-40 minutes. The priest reads special prayers for the repose of the soul, "Eternal Remembrance" is sung, and blessed bread (anafura) is distributed. The family stands before the table with coliva and colaci, holding lit candles.

The cost of the church service ranges between 50 and 300 lei, depending on the parish and the type of service requested.

The visit to the cemetery

After the church service, the family goes to the cemetery. At the grave, candles are lit, wine is poured on the ground in the shape of a cross, coliva and colaci are left, and "God forgive him/her" is spoken. Some families ask the priest to conduct a short service at the graveside as well.

It is customary for the grave to be well tended — cleared of leaves, with fresh flowers. If the monument has not yet been installed (it is usually placed at least one year after burial), a provisional wooden cross marks the spot.

The memorial meal — traditional menu

The memorial meal (masa de pomana) is held either at the family home or at a restaurant. The traditional menu includes:

Course Traditional dishes Significance
Appetiser Coliva, colaci, red wine Symbols of eternal life and the Eucharist
Soup Chicken soup or vegetable soup Popular tradition; fasting dishes if it is a fasting day
Main course Sarmale (cabbage rolls), roast chicken/pork, pilaf Abundant food, a sign of generosity
Side dishes Salata de boeuf, pickled vegetables, salads Complementing the meal
Dessert Cozonac (sweet bread), homemade pastries, fruit The sweetness of life, the joy of remembrance
Drinks Wine, tuica (plum brandy), water, juices Hospitality

Important: if the 40-day parastas falls on a fasting day (Wednesday, Friday) or during a fasting period (Great Lent, Advent etc.), the menu must be adapted with fasting dishes. Consult the priest if you have any doubts.

The meal begins with the "Our Father" prayer, recited by the priest or by the eldest member of the family. At the end, the guests are thanked for their presence and pomana parcels are distributed.

Modern families complement traditions with digital memorials — a memory page on Kinmory allows loved ones from around the world to light a virtual candle and add memories, at any time and from anywhere. Learn more on Kinmory

What is given as pomana at 40 days

At the 40-day parastas, the family gives food, objects and sometimes clothing or money as pomana (charitable offerings) "for the soul" of the departed. This practice symbolises generosity and charity — it is believed that each item given as pomana reaches the soul of the departed in the afterlife. The gifts are offered to every participant at the parastas.

Coliva, colaci, candles, wine

These are the essential elements present at every parastas:

  • Coliva — made from boiled wheat, sugar, walnuts, cocoa and Turkish delight. Decorated with a cross of icing sugar. It symbolises resurrection (the grain of wheat that "dies" in the earth and bears fruit). It is shared with everyone present at the church.
  • Colaci — round white bread, sometimes braided. They represent the bread of life. Usually 1-3 colaci are given to the priest and one colac is placed in each pomana parcel.
  • Candles — lit at the church and at the grave. The light symbolises eternal light. They are also distributed to those present at the service.
  • Red wine — symbolises the blood of Christ. It is served at the meal and poured on the ground at the grave.

Pomana parcels — what they contain

Pomana parcels are prepared for all participants at the parastas. The contents vary by region and the family's means, but usually include:

  • A colac or a loaf of bread
  • A candle
  • A small bottle of wine or oil
  • Fruit (apples, oranges)
  • Sweets (biscuits, wafers, chocolate)
  • A white handkerchief or a small towel
  • Sometimes: a plate or a cup (a household item)

The cost of pomana parcels ranges between 10 and 30 lei per parcel, depending on the contents. For 20-40 parcels, the budget is between 200 and 800 lei.

Clothing and household items

In addition to the pomana parcels, at the 40-day parastas clothing or household items are also given "for the soul" of the departed. Tradition holds that these items reach the departed in the afterlife. Typically, the following are given:

  • New clothing (a shirt, trousers, a dress) — "so they have something to wear"
  • A towel — "so they have something to dry themselves with"
  • A plate and a glass — "so they have something to eat and drink from"
  • A full set of clothing (at some of the more important memorial services)

These items are usually given to close relatives, neighbours or people in need. There is no strict rule — each family decides according to local tradition and their own means.

Full calendar of memorial services — from 3 days to 7 years

Romanian Orthodox tradition prescribes several memorial occasions after death. Each has a spiritual significance linked to the journey of the soul. Below you will find the complete table of all memorial services, from those in the first week to the 7-year commemoration, including what is prepared for each.

Memorial When it is held Significance What to prepare
3 days The 3rd day after death The soul leaves the earthly world; memory of the Resurrection at 3 days Coliva, colaci, candles; parastas at church
9 days The 9th day after death Memory of the 9 angelic orders; the soul is shown paradise Coliva, colaci, candles; parastas at church
40 days The 40th day after death The particular judgement; the Ascension at 40 days Full parastas: service, coliva, pomana, memorial meal
3 months 3 months after death Continued prayers for the repose of the soul Coliva, colaci, candles; parastas at church
6 months 6 months after death Commemoration at the midpoint of the first year Coliva, colaci, candles; parastas at church
9 months 9 months after death Commemoration; in some regions this is not observed Coliva, colaci, candles (optional)
1 year One year after death Completion of the mourning cycle; the lifting of mourning Full parastas, memorial meal, pomana parcels
3 years 3 years after death Important commemoration Parastas at church, coliva, pomana
7 years 7 years after death The last major commemoration; the cycle concludes Full parastas, memorial meal, pomana parcels

Important observations:

  • The 40-day and 1-year memorial services are considered the most important and involve a full ceremony (church service, memorial meal, pomana parcels).
  • The intermediate memorial services (3, 6 and 9 months) are simpler — usually just the church service with coliva and colaci.
  • The 3-year and 7-year commemorations vary by region: in some areas they are very significant, in others more modest.
  • In addition to these individual memorial services, the departed can also be commemorated at Mosii (Ancestors' Saturdays) — special days dedicated to the remembrance of all the departed, distributed throughout the liturgical year. Learn more about Mosii and Ancestors' Saturday 2026.

What is not done during the 40 days of mourning

During the 40 days after death, popular tradition imposes certain restrictions, although not all have a strict canonical basis. It is important to distinguish between folk customs and the official teachings of the Church, so that you can decide what suits you and your family.

Restriction Popular tradition The Church's position
Washing clothes is avoided Yes, fairly widespread No canonical prohibition
Rubbish is not taken out in the evening Yes, especially in rural areas Superstition; no Church basis
No parties or weddings are held Yes, widely observed The Church recommends moderation in mourning
Music is not listened to Yes, common custom The Church recommends quiet reflection, does not explicitly forbid it
No general house cleaning Varies by region No canonical basis
Mirrors are covered Yes, especially in the first week Folk custom; no theological basis
Meat is not eaten (in some regions) Varies by region Only on officially designated fasting days

Advice: if you have doubts about what is "correct," speak with your parish priest. The Church understands that each family experiences mourning in its own way. The most important things you can do during the 40 days are prayer for the departed and acts of charity (pomana) — not the observance of folk prohibitions.

Mourning periods can be extremely difficult emotionally. If you feel that you need support, do not hesitate to reach out to a psychologist or a support group. Grief is a natural process, and seeking help is not a sign of weakness.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do you count the 40 days after a death?

The 40 days are counted starting from the day of death, which is considered day 1, regardless of the hour at which death occurred. All consecutive calendar days are counted, including Saturdays and Sundays. The parastas is held on the 40th day or, if that day falls on an unsuitable date, it may be moved to the nearest preceding Saturday or Sunday, with the priest's agreement.

Can the 40-day parastas be moved to a different day?

Yes, the 40-day parastas can be moved, usually to the Saturday or Sunday closest to the 40th day. Memorial services are not held during the first three days of Easter or during other major feast days. Consult your parish priest to determine the most appropriate date, as there are restrictions linked to certain liturgical periods.

What is said at the parastas — prayers and appropriate words?

At the parastas, the priest conducts the memorial service with specific prayers for the repose of the soul. The family and those present respond with "God forgive him/her" and "Eternal remembrance." At the memorial meal, the "Our Father" prayer is recited before eating, and "God forgive him/her" is said when pomana parcels are received.

How much does a 40-day parastas cost?

The cost of a 40-day parastas varies significantly depending on the region and the number of guests. As a guide: church service (50-300 lei), coliva and colaci (100-300 lei), memorial meal (1,000-5,000 lei for 20-50 people) and pomana parcels (200-800 lei). A modest parastas can start from around 1,500 lei. Prices are indicative for 2026.

Is the 40-day parastas obligatory?

From an Orthodox religious standpoint, the 40-day parastas is the most important memorial service after the funeral, but it is not a strict canonical obligation. It is a deeply rooted tradition that the Church strongly recommends. Families who cannot organise a full parastas may ask the priest to conduct a simple memorial service at the church, without the memorial meal.

Summary

  • The 40-day parastas is the most important Orthodox memorial service after the funeral — it marks the moment when the soul is believed to appear before God.
  • Counting the days: the day of death = day 1; all consecutive calendar days are counted.
  • What to prepare: coliva, colaci, candles, wine, pomelnic — for the church service.
  • The memorial meal includes a traditional menu, adapted for fasting days if applicable.
  • Pomana parcels contain a colac, candle, wine, fruit, sweets and a handkerchief — given to all participants.
  • Full calendar: memorial services at 3 days, 9 days, 40 days, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 1 year, 3 years and 7 years.
  • Indicative cost of a 40-day parastas: from 1,500 lei (modest) up to 6,000+ lei.
  • The distinction between popular traditions and Church teachings helps you choose what suits your family.
  • Consult your parish priest for any questions about dates, the order of service or restrictions.

The digital memorial — always accessible, on any day of remembrance

Traditions connect us to those we have lost. A digital memorial on Kinmory complements these traditions, offering loved ones around the world a place where they can light a virtual candle, add photographs and share memories — at any time, from any corner of the world.

A memory page accessible on any day of remembrance

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40 day memorial service parastas Orthodox tradition funeral traditions Romania 40 day pomana memorial service calendar